


What you do when you're empty

by Mychemicalships



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 16:33:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1175306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mychemicalships/pseuds/Mychemicalships
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I bet Ray lied when he said he loved me. I bet he was sickened when we laid together, repulsed when our mouths touched to form a kiss. I bet he wanted to kill himself whenever I was even near him. Because that's what everyone feels when they see me. That's what's normal for the people around me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What you do when you're empty

**Author's Note:**

> Only rated for self violence and trigger warning.

I hadn't seen Ray in a week, and honestly, I was worse than ever. I had one cut on my wrist for every hour he was gone, and they trailed up my arm only to be seen when my hoodie wasn't on. I had downed at least ten bottles a night, sleeping off of the intoxication and having nightmares of death and betrayal. Only the betrayal part was true, everyone leaves me. First Alicia, now Ray. I thought Ray was supposed to help me.

I bet Ray lied when he said he loved me. I bet he was sickened when we laid together, repulsed when our mouths touched to form a kiss. I bet he wanted to kill himself whenever I was even near him. Because that's what everyone feels when they see me. That's what's normal for the people around me.

And that's also why I had Gerard's hidden pistol rolling over in my hands, the safety begging to be pushed off, the click of a trigger was all it took. I don't want myself anymore. My voices even say so.

Mikey. Do it. Fucking do it, I dare you.

Mikey. No one loves you. You don't even love yourself. Death comes easy to you. You can end it all. So fucking do it, you pussy.

That's what they all said. They wanted me dead. Hell, I wanted me dead. I'm sure everyone else did too. This is going to happen. Nothing will stop me. I started writing my death notes, first to Gerard:

"I know you'll hate me for this. Don't take it out on yourself. I'm the one who brought this on. If I wasn't such a fuck up then maybe this wouldn't happen.  
Love and hate- Mikey."

Then Frank. My best friend. The one who said he'd be there. The one who hasn't even called all this time, all because I smiled. Just because I smiled everything is ok, right?

"You were there for me, Frank. Were. Was. Past tense. For the longest time I could trust you. Hell, I still would. If only you would have been there, you'd know why I did this. So thanks I guess.  
Mikey."

Last was Ray. The one who made me feel like I was worth something. Even just to one person. The one who left me on the side of the street when it was raining like everyone else.

"Ray. I love you. Obviously, you forgot about me, but that's ok. I'm used to it by now. As much as it hurts, I'm used to it. I've found a way to cope with it. I hope you've had your pleasure in acting like you gave a fuck. As long as no one dies, right? Well, I guess you've changed your mind about teen depression, because you obviously didn't make mine go away.  
Mikey fucking Way."

That's it. All said and done. Time to get all of this out of my system, time to feel nothing. I'd rather feel nothing at all than pain, but that's probably just me.

"If anyone would like to object, speak now or forever hold your peace." I said loudly to me and Gerard's empty apartment. "Well, then lets get to it, shall we?" I thought of all the happy parts of my life. The time were my parents weren't asses. The time when I thought someone cared. The time when I was actually happy. Oh god, would I love to just stay there. Stay there and live it.

Now that your thinking happy things, lets get on with this. It's god's way of thinning the herd, you know. He planned this from the start.

Right, voices, you're right. I felt kind of dizzy standing there, probably from all the alcohol, and I thought I was hearing noises. Probably just the fucking storm. I held the pistol up to my head, resting my finger on the trigger, telling myself to remember the feeling of it pressed to my head if there is such thing as the afterlife. 

That's when someone busted into my room, stopping dead in their tracks. "Bye." I whispered. The guy screamed and I pulled. The next thing I know I'm in someone's arms and they're sobbing along with me, the gun some anonymous place on the floor after being hit out of my hand. 

Stupid. What a shame. Forgot the safety. I pity you.

For once I wanted the voices to shut up. I wanted to be left alone for once. I just wanted to make every one leave. I pushed the man away who I saw was Ray. The one who made me do this. I fell to the floor and scooted into the corner, shoving my head in my knees as he tried to approach me.

"Mikey!" He sobbed. That's all he said. He tried to wrap his arms around me, but I wouldn't let him.

"No! You can't just pretend to care, leave, then come back and expect me not to be a fucking wreck, you ass!" I screamed. Ray looked really hurt. I didn't really care.

"Mikey. I just drove half way across the country for you. Did you ever think I didn't mean to leave you? Did you ever think I beat myself up too?" He asked, pulling up his sleeve to show me scabs of healing cuts on his arm. 

"Why would you fucking leave in the first place?" I sobbed. "If you love me so much?"

"I had to. Mikey, please." He said, trying yet again to pull me into open arms. This time I let him hold me in his lap, me sobbing into his chest and him crying into my shoulder. He came back. Maybe he did care, just the slightest bit. "I'm so sorry." He choked out. It made me sob harder, clinging to him for dear life. He can't leave this time. I'm not letting him. Even if he doesn't want to stay.

Ray's grip tightened around me, and mine tightened around him. "I'm sorry," Ray kept repeating, rocking us back and forth. "I love you so much," He cried, burying his face in my neck. "I won't leave again." I actually believed him. He came back, didn't he? And he said he didn't want to leave. That would make sense.

"Ray," I sniffed. "I'm so sorry. You left, and- and..." I couldn't finish the sentence.

"I know," he whispered. "I'm here. I won't leave again. I promise. I love you so much, I'm so so sorry." He held me tighter, kissing my cheek and running his hand through my hair. 

"I love you too." I told him, pecking his lips. "I missed you so much." 

"I had no choice. I woke up in some weird city and I had to drive here. I have no clue what happened, but I'm so so so sorry." Ray kissed my lips again. 

"Stop being sorry." I said. "I love you." I continued our sloppy and tear soaked kiss. God, I missed his lips so much. They were so full and soft and talented. No. Now is not the time to think about that. 

I broke away and hugged Ray, sat in his arms until my tears stopped. "I didn't want to leave. I know it hurt you. Even if you forgive me I'm still sorry," Ray told me, breaking the silence. "And I could have been too late."

"I'm sorry." I whispered. How could I have even thought of that? I guess Ray means that much to me. Ray's hands started rubbing my back, calming me and telling me it's ok. 

"You have nothing to be sorry about. You know that party you didn't want to go to? Well I passed out and woke up in a strange place and had to drive here and it was terrible and I missed you. It's my fault."

"Just shut up." I sighed, kissing him again. Maybe I should've went to that party. I knew Ray really wanted to go. "So glad you're back."

"Me too." 

~~~

"Let's celebrate." 

"What is there to celebrate?"

"Mikey, you've gone a whole six months clean."

"And?" I don't see why we need to celebrate. I want to forget about those feelings. "I kinda just wanna forget about it, you know?" 

Ray nodded. "Ok." He said, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my forehead. "I know what you mean." I smiled into Ray's chest and sighed. 

"I'm so glad I have you Ray." I said, squeezing my arms around him.

"I love you." He said, kissing the top of my head.

"I love you too."


End file.
